Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Premarital Sex: Where Christians Get It Wrong

[Updated to include videos]

Today's topic is again, premarital sex. But it won't be a Biblical or theological argument (I'm already going to assume that Christians think sex should be saved for marriage). Rather, it will be an argument for Christians to change how we approach sexual sin in our communities.

However, before we begin, in response to the tremendous outpouring of readers and commenters on my "Romeo and Juliet" post, I just wanted to say two things:

1) Thank you to everyone who read the post, regardless of whether or not you liked it or agreed with it. I am grateful for every single reader I get.

2) The comments on my blog are truly amazing. People have commented and e-mailed me, pouring out their hearts about their views on the subject and in some cases, genuinely trying to engage in an informed dialogue with other commenters. I was deeply moved by all this and utterly grateful that I was able to be a part of it. I only hope that my post was able to inform, entertain, and maybe stimulate some thinking on the subject. One of my ultimate goals (in life and in this blog) is to just create some dialogue, some discourse about things that I don't think we talk enough about.

Which brings us to today's topic.

As I've already mentioned in an update, many have accused me of being anti-Christian, of propagating anti-Christian viewpoints, etc. Obviously I disagree. I think there is a way to uphold your Christian integrity while still taking into account things about this world that we know to be true.

I'm going to make some points about what I think the church is doing wrong. I speak only from the perspective of one Christian, who has been to about 3-4 different churches during his lifetime. But in that time, I've found that there are things that many (NOT all) churches have in common. It should be noted that when I say "The Christian church," I mean both a) What I think to be Evangelical Christian churches in general, to a degree, and also b) What people see on the news or hear on the radio of the Christian church (e.g. political figures, James Dobson, etc.). MANY churches are doing a fantastic job on these fronts and they should be praised for it. But there's a reason why many Americans have a largely negative impression of the Christian church.

So, given that I'm no expert on the subject, here's where I think the Christian church gets it wrong on premarital sex:

1) The Christian church needs to pull its proverbial head out from under the ground and take a look around. It is important for Christians not to forsake their own values and to continue to advocate that yes, sex is best reserved for marriage for a number of reasons (e.g. emotional and physical health). But the point is, Christian teens are having sex whether or not the church will acknowledge it. And when it doesn't acknowledge it, when it closes its eyes, covers its ears, and says "Laa laa laa, nobody's having sex before marriage!", it does a disservice to its constituents in several ways (Some of which I'll go into below).

2) The Christian church will never be able to reach the people that need to be reached unless it embraces and assimilates itself into this country's thriving scientific community. AIDS is spread by tears. Condoms don't effectively prevent the spread of STDs. These are scientifically demonstrably false, and yet many people (notably Senator Bill Frist from a few year's back) have advocated these views, or at least refused to deny them. Refusing to acknowledge basic scientific principles and choosing to spread half-truths in the name of foisting abstinence upon this country's youth renders Christianity a joke to everyone that's not a Christian (and maybe even some that are).

Here's Penn & Teller's take on the matter of abstinence-only education:

(From Youtube user mightybroke)

3) There needs to be much more Christian discourse and accountability about this. I've been to a few churches in my lifetime, and as a general matter, there's not been that much talk about sex. There needs to be frank talk with and amongst high school and college students about sex and least, amongst those that need it. I think back to my church youth group (again, a Christian conservative church), where dating relationships were heavily regulated. Many people left that youth group completely unable to handle the relationship challenges that would confront them in college. Many brothers and sisters and friends of mine (many of them from youth group) confided to me that they have fallen into sexual sin, more times than I would have ever thought possible (which is not to say that I'm totally innocent myself). I ask what's being done about this and I don't have much of an answer. The church needs to do more to prepare those that will date, spiritually and emotionally. And those that will date need to take responsibility to maintain accountability and keep their relationships on the right track towards God. But this must be coupled with my 4th point....

4) How many people suffer through sin in silence, hiding their sins because they are too ashamed to seek help and too afraid of the condemnation that will come as a result? There needs to be loving, caring, and acceptance, the kind that God expects of all Christians and the kind that Jesus showed to people while he was here on earth. But frequently, Christian sinners have been cowed into silence by oppressive church environments which appear to demand perfection and look down upon sin, especially sexual sin.

If you're a Christian, when you find out that a brother or sister has sinned sexually, how do you react, both outwardly and inwardly? Do you judge them? Do you put them on a level below you? Or do you say to them, "I too am a sinner, but Jesus loves the both of us and has forgiven our sins."

I recently watched the movie "Jesus Camp," which I found incredibly powerful and yet it left me at a loss for how exactly to respond. I fully understand that the film doesn't accurately represent the majority of Evangelical Christians in America (although I would argue that it DOES accurately represent the Christians portrayed in the film). I'll have more to say about the film later (possibly next week), but I wanted to direct you to this poignant clip, which is 10-year old girl, Tory, sharing about her fear of the sins of the flesh:

(Youtube user cassandracox)

Many Christians might say that this girl is really on the right track, and that her desire to avoid the dangers of sin is admirable. And while I completely understand the reasoning behind that sentiment, a part of me can't help but feel that the fear that lives inside this girl may eventually become something very psychologically damaging later in life, as it has for so many countless others...


I think there is Biblical evidence to suggest that Jesus wouldn't be too happy with the way we Christians collectively treat sexual sin these days. When the adulterous woman was thrown on the ground in front of him, and judgment was demanded, how did Jesus react? There are two parts to his reaction: a) He told the woman that he did not condemn her, and b) He told the woman to leave her life of sin. Notice: No condemnation, followed by a prescription to not sin anymore. A simple formula, but how many times do Christians fall short? How many times have you fallen short? And how many times have I fallen short....

As I've said before, Jesus didn't spend his time on earth condemning thieves and prostitutes. He spent his time condemning those who condemn thieves and prostitutes. How many Christians would he find today that fit into that latter category....

Ultimately, what I feel about the whole matter is this (and I don't think this is uncontroversial): Yes, Christians should continue to advocate abstinence as God's design for marriage. But should it ignore the fact that many Christians will have sex anyway? Should it say "Sex before marriage is bad. Condoms are also bad, since they help you to have sex before marriage. Don't use them. Going to have sex anyway, in spite of all my warnings? THEN SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF STDS AND UNWANTED PREGNANCY"? Is that what God would want? Is that what Jesus would have told his disciples to do? I'm not sure, but I would dare say no.

However, at the same time, I can't imagine Jesus saying "Don't sin, but well if you're going to, you might as well protect yourself from bad consequences." The Jesus of the Bible demands unequivocal obedience. This is the same Jesus that said "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God," the same Jesus that said "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

So what would Jesus do/say if he were Denny Pattyn or Bill Frist or James Dobson (i.e. if he were in their positions?) I can't say I'm certain. But I think that God would agree that the way we're going about it now is not quite right, both in spirit and in its empirical results.

Our decisions are our own, and our responsibility. The church, as a human institution, shouldn't receive blame for people's sins. That's not what I'm advocating. What I'm trying to say is that there are ways the church can help to improve the situation. And this needs pointing out because I don't think it's doing a very good job right now, at least, not yet....

Thanks for reading.


Brenden said...

This is a great post. I especially agree with point number 2. I find this to be the church's greatest downfall right now. In my opinion the church has yet to figure out how to reach well educated white collar people. That is one of the issues I've been struggling with for some time as I am well educated and white collar Christian and I know that the church has little to offer my friends.

Hark! said...

One of the other things the church needs to teach more accurately is that sexual purity is not the goal. It is an element of being pure in God's sight, along with purity of thought, purity of deed, etc. To think "If I'm a virgin, I'm okay with God" is dangerous, and the church advocates sexual purity as some sort of pinnacle...but it's not. Should you be a virgin until marriage? Yes. But is that what makes you okay? No.

Anonymous said...

Here's another good question...if you never get it still pre-marital sex and if you say do answer the question, "So did you order the donuts before or after you killed the victim?" (assuming you didn't kill anybody).

Anonymous said...

isn't it about time to redefine sin??? Sexuality in any form in this society is considered shameful while we march our kids off to war, or playing or watching violent video games is ok (violentporn), or godly, depending on your community. Going after homosexuals i.e. the jews of our times, is used to distract us from the truth:

jesus commandment to love one another and make your efforts for purity your own inner struggle NOT to be applied to others (soething about that camel in your eye!!!)

djchuang said...

There are a variety of factors that affect people, and our sex-saturated society is not a help, just as sexually repression societies don't help either. The simple biological fact of hormones and human development is that our bodies were designed for earlier marriages and sexual expression in that context. But, in a post-industrial age, education and career development have inadvertently delayed when people marry. Perhaps a solution is to make changes in society to value marriage at an earlier age with long-term commitment rather than to value career accomplishments as if that could attain some semblence of financial security.

Josiah said...

wow, i think you really hit it home with the point on how Jesus didn't condemn the prostitute, while still directing her on leaving her life of sin

Anonymous said...

I'm 17 and go to my church's youth group. I think the sex is covered up. There is constant propaganda that sex is bad and sex is bad and sex is bad. So what happens to people that have had sex? Do they know it is bad that they had sex? If I tell you sex is bad then if you have sex you will think it is bad. The lesson being sent is that if you have sex you will feel bad about it. But lets face it. I can't imagine that everyone at my high school having sex are feeling bad. I bet they think it is awesome. But if they are Christina they are told that sex is bad so it must be bad. I think this is part of the problem.

Anonymous said...

I believe that what you said about condoms being "bad" isn't true. Condoms are used to protect you from STDs and unwanted pregnancy. I believe that High School and College students shouldn't have them, but in a recent post in seventeeen magazine, they showed you how to put a condom on now or in the future. Marriage is special and condoms can be used if the couple wants to try different sexual things.
The sex world in our society of premartial sex isnot good, but just remember, not ALL teens are having sex and there are many adult virgins out there. If you meet that true man/woman for you. You fall in love with them, and you tell them I want to wait till marriage. If they respect your decision, that's great, get married! But if they don't respect your decision, they aren't your romeo or juliet.

Here is a true story:

I was in my sophmore year of college at Rutgers University and I was dating this guy for three months. His name was Jason. He took me to his dorm and asked if I wanted to have sex with him. I said I'm waiting till marriage and he revealed that he lost his virginity with his prom date. I felt heart-broken. All of my roomates were virgins and this guy wasn't. So I told him, I was shocked. He said that sex before marriage is corny,so I broke up with him.He then shouted at me and said
"Ha, ha- You virgin, I hope you never get laid!"

I went to my dorm crying. My roomate, Ashley asked me what was wrong and I told her Jason made fun of me for wanting to wait till marriage. Ashley told me that Jason is a jerk and the "j" in his name stood for that.

My junior year of college was the best. I met a great, hot guy named Keith. He was new to Rutgers and we started dating. Then it came time for sex, and I told him I was waiting till marriage and he told me he was a virgin. So I was very happy and he respected my wishes.

We went out until Senior Year and he proposed marriage.

We got married before grad. school and had sex on our wedding night WITH A CONDOM because we were still in school and didn't want to deal with a child yet. So now I'm Mrs. Brittany Charlotte Anne DeSarano- Trena and I'm glad I took his virginity away.


GO GO MARTIAL SEX GO GO MARTIAL SEX RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patrick D said...

Sex before marriage while not rare, it wasn't commonplace when I was growing up. Now, even I wouldn't marry someone without knowing that we're compatible sexually.

Anonymous said...

Great Post.
I would also like to point out that some conservative churches not only turn a blind eye to reality- they also encourage marriage at young ages. I've been told that dating is a sin unless one plans to marry and dating for a prolonged amount of time is wrong. I have read this bad advice to couples who want to wait to get married until they can financially support a family and the church tells them to trust in God. Churches are against contraceptives which I see as a social problem when people believe they are acting immorally using contraceptives while married because their combined gross annual income ranks at about $12,000. Yet, if they are very fertile and see sin in contraceptives while married the burden is a social one.

Anonymous said...

well. even if someone gets married. many people don't want children. so if you still use a condom and your wife ends up pregnant, you didn't stop one the main points of no premarital sex. another thought would be since you didn't have sex you at least wouldn't be able to catch an STD? wrong. no one really knows when the first STD was contracted. but STD's didn't pop up out of nowhere. they are mostly contracted through uncleanliness and other factors so... so much for that...

Anonymous said...

i think you are so wrong i was going to call you stupid but im not going to do that cause you have little education with the bible who cares about the christians who do have sex look at the ones that do not and see where they go... see that they have good marriages see that they have good self esteem about themselves ! premarital sex is a joke you tellin me that thats what we're on this earth for i doubt not ....just because some people have sex in the church is not all church people and those who do are wrong, they just don't know or they don't want to follow the rule so down with premarital sex and ABSTINENCE all the way ....i pray and hope you get more understanding before posting anything that is biblically incorrect bless you !

Precious said...

I am a Christ Follower and understand what your saying. I too have been dealing with sins of the flesh. I have a 4 yr old daughter and would never send her to that camp. Reason one because your right the Jesus Christ I'm following is not into bashing, condeming, and bringing people down, rather uplifting, forgiving, and bringing sins out. Thanks for the info and insight

Diana said...

I consider myself a "liberal" Christian as well. My comment is that as an over 50 divorced womaan, sex outside of marriage is a HUGE topic. Try dating men in their 50s..even Christian men want sex. I have been searching and searching for answers on this and most of what I find is related to younger people. Would be curious as to your take on this topic.

Anonymous said...

I'm not saying I am a virgin, but I have been doing some research about whether or not premarital sex is wrong. Last sunday my pastor talked about it, and talking about how it make things worse in the future. I have read some articles that have said a study has shown that people who engage in premarital sex are more likely to get a divorce, cheat, or be cheated on in the future. Reading about this has put doubt in me and my boyfriends mind. So we decided to stop having sex until we are married. We figured if we can control ourselves while we are young, then we will be stronger and better off later in life.

Anonymous said...

To the anonymous poster who began with: "i think you are so wrong, i was going to call you stupid..." I respect that your opionions are different from those of the one who wrote the article, but if you are going to bash and make a rebuttle about the content please do so in a friendly, grammatically correct way. You cannot logically call someone poorly educated when you yourself have not got a grasp on how to write in the English language correctly. Secondly, as we are so blessed to live in a country where we are free to believe, worship, and live as we please- the author of this article has every right to put up whatever he wants to, be it biblically correct or not. To ask someone to "gain more knowledge before you post anything biblically incorrect" is infringing on their rights to freedom of expression. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it would be nice to see people respect the opinions of others and present their own in a nonoffensive way.
Thank you.

Kari said...

I'm 16 years old, a christian and struggling with sexual sin. I want to have sex as much as the next teen but there is one thing holding me back, and thats God. I believe in God and because of that i trust that he knows whats best for me. He knows me better than anyone else.
I believe that God put that rule there because he wanted to protect us, not hold us back. I cannot wait for the day that i am married and i will have something to share only with my husband. God designed it to be special and it will be.
Because i believe and trust in God, i want to obey him. Im not going to pick and choose the rules i like..its not what God intended.

Ricky said...

We sometimes don't understand why God gives us rules, and we rebel and rationalise and use the wisdom of the world to discredit the biblical principles. God wants to protect us from the pitfalls thats why he tells us not to just like a loving parent trying to protect their innocent child from the pain and heartache if the make the wrong choices.

Premarital sex is a choice that you make and everything has a consequence. In the same way extramarital sex has its consequences. we have to live with the consequences of our actions.

There are alot of bad that comes with sex outside of the environment God designed for it ( Marriage) know them...HIV , AIDS, STD's married people can contract these too but not if u have a faithful and commited spouce...and of course outside stuff like tainted blood from transfusions, needles etc. unwanted pregnancies...children being raised by the streets and becoming criminals because they didnt have the stability of a family like that found in a marriage. and there are other arguments that can be made...i will not get into but the point is we people need to be taught of the reasons why abstinence is encouraged by God as a loving parent and that you will have to live with the hurts that you might face if you dont....and God will always forgive us if we sin and come back to him ...but he wants to spare us from the hurts...

The churches today sometimes miss the mark and teach abstinence and not the heart of God behind it so people see God has this person who just rules out alot of fun things that we can do...because he wants to spite us and not that its for our benefit....

But Abstinence is no easy thing you need help and friendship and encouragement if you are around folks that influence and encourage premarital sex then thats werwe you willl be heading if its encouraging abstinence than thats wher you going...

Anonymous said...

The author got this wrong. His arguments are specious at best.
No sex before marriage is God's law. It is clear from the Bible and is not debatable, if only we'll obey it. And we are not Christians if we do not obey God's laws, as Christ clearly said.
So, because people are breaking a law, the best thing to do is to do away with the law? Give me a break! You might as well go into the prisons and release all the criminals there!
The fact is, God intended the sexual pressures to make people get married. It has been clearly stated in the Scriptures: if you have uncontrollable sexual urges, go get married, and have sex as much as you want. We cannot continue to ignore God's laws and then turn around and claim those laws are obsolete. Those are laws, not pieces of advice. They came with sanctions which can sometimes be quite heavy.

Anonymous said...

I had my first real relationship that started 4 years ago and is continuing. This relationship started when I was 17 and he was 22. Two months after we started dating I turned 18. I was a virgin at the time we began dating and he wasn't. It was more a thing of I just wanted to get it over with and I wanted to be like my friends. We didn't make any solid decisions to marry at the time. Before we had sex I told him that I wanted to wait until I was ready and we decided where the relationship was going to go(marriage/breakup/friendship)he was fine with my decision. But after a while I felt like I was letting him down by not having sex with him. I was very nieve. Sometime after I turned 18 we had sex for the first time. It had no significance to me. I contracted an std, and about 8 months later found out I was pregnant. He was very excited, and me not so much. He proposed to me a little while after and I excepted. Our daughter is 2 and 1/2 now and we are both very in love with her. I fell right into the role of mother. I breastfed her for 15 months and am now a sahm mom with her. I never set a date for our marriage. I tell people I have cold feet. But really I felt pushed into the marraige, lack there of. We recently became memebers of a baptist church and the minister of music said well if your going to live together as a husband and wife, then you might as well make it legal. I know that we should. I'm just afraid. Maybe this comment will help some teen out there. I would say to a teen girl who is thinking of having sex before she is ready to definetly not do it. It is not worth the pain that follows. I was 19 when I had my daughter. It has been hard. I was the runner up in a pageant for my school, and the girl who one became pregnant a short while after me. I would have been Miss """ for our school if I had of made the right decisions in life. I was so focused on the world and this one guy that I forgot what God wanted to do with my life. What God has for our lives is so much more significant than the trivial highschool status quo, the popular or your nothing image. There are underlying factors in my childhood that could have stimmed from my decision, not ever being talked to about sex and abstinece from my parents or family, having no female role model in my life to look up to. but all in all it was "my" decision. We all have a decision. I just can't imagine the life God had planned for me if I just would have waited. One song comes to mind by Rebecca St. James (wait for me). If you have a chance, ecspecially teens, look this song up and it's lyrics.

Anonymous said...

Hi.I am 22 years old and by the grace of God,I'm still a virgin.I have always believed in marital sex but a year ago,I had this intense desire to get sexually close to the opposite sex.And I guess the Devil knew my desires so I was presented with an opportunity right away.A guy I had fancied in school invited me over to his house and I reluctantly agreed after much persuasion from him.I got myself drunk and we ended up doing things but somehow I managed to say NO at the last moment.It still amazes me this day that being in the state I was then,God gave me the will to say NO to sex.I am so glad I retained my virginity.Anyway,after that the guy ignored me completely and I felt so used.I can say I've truly learnt my lesson.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I don't really have a reply to anyone on here, rather, a post of my own, a question/story. I am a 20-year-old college student. I'm a Christian through and through. I seek to please God in every way that I can but have been struggling with sexual impurities lately. I am still a virgin. I have been dating this guy off and on now for 3ish months. I have known him since I was 9 though. He is not a virgin, so it has been an issue for him. The situation is he is so used to relationships involving sex, he doesn't know how to handle one without it. He doesn't pressure me, he doesn't get mad at me when I say I'm not ready, he has every bit of respect for me. The problem is I'm afraid I lead him to believe that I want to have sex to. I am just not sure if I do or not, which I know is reason enough to say no right away. My problem is everything is perfect with our relationship. If that's the only thing missing, what do you do? He has a problem that obviously he needs to deal with in his heart, and he is, but what if somehow I lose this guy who is absolutely perfect for me because of sex? I know he wouldn't leave me or anything if I kept saying no so it's not even that. I don't know, I have just felt like maybe it's not that big of a deal, but then in the moment, thank you Lord, I am able to say no, I am not ready. Anyway, there's my little bit of rambling...I just don't know how I feel lately. I need some advice. Anyone had to deal with this lately?

Anonymous said...

I can't agree with you more. I myself am in high school still and i can't believe how little self control people have. And a lot of peoples parents may hear about this, and think,"oh, not my child!!." Sorry to slap you in the face with your false hopes and denial, but yes, your child, because pre-marital and underage sex rates are a lot higher than a lot of people think. I just want to beat people senseless with a bat sometimes because of how stupid they are. Oh yes, the government is happy because these retarded kids are learning what they are required of the textbooks (yep, like all of the lies about the Theory of Evolution) but the government doesn't really give a crap about common sense, self control, morals, values, or ways to help you better live your life. Really, this is one of the things contributing to the downfall of the economy, along with unbalance wage distribution among workplaces. My mom's boss used to make about 200k a year while my mom makes 28k a year. I really hate how some people live in excessive luxury while others are forced to live off of credit cards. I know i'm kinda ranting about stuff in my comment on your blog but i just wish that something could be done about "societies gone wild" and more people would understand what is going on.

Kera said...

I really appreciated your article because it does highlight a lot of things done wrong in the Christian community. What I do not agree with is the point why you said that we (Christians act like people are not having sex before marriage). we do know but we can not change what is right in order to allow persons to do the wrong things so that we can be looked upon favorably in there eyes. We preach abstinence and that is the only message there is when it comes to sex outside marriage yes there are those that will still do it but all we can do in cases where they dont see that as an option is to educate them about both the consequences and about methods of protection. Because pastors cant very will preach sex before marriage is not encouraged by good but since I know you would do it any way just remember to use a condom. And though sex has not been a very regular topic in churches that is changing.And just to clarify sex is not bad has never been considered as bad as God made sex not only for us to be fruitful an multiply but also for our pleasure because he wants us to enjoy it and by waiting to do it in marriage it saves you a lot of heartache along the way.

Anonymous said...

This is in response to the poster who wrote: "The fact is, God intended the sexual pressures to make people get married. It has been clearly stated in the Scriptures: if you have uncontrollable sexual urges, go get married, and have sex as much as you want."

I'm a 51-year-old man, married to a now 54-year-old woman for just over 20 years. We both had Christian upbringings - her Catholic, me Southern Baptist, and we are both college-educated in technical fields. Neither of us are what you would deem as "practicing Christians" as far as being avid worshipers goes - mainly because neither of us can say much positive about our so-called "teachers" in any of the churches we were associated with in the past.

My comment is in regard to the assumption that being married guarantees you a sexually-fulfilled life. Sixteen months after we married, when we were preparing to conceive what would have been our first child, my wife just up and decided without so much as a whisper or any sort of discussion that it wasn't going to happen. She also summarily terminated all forms of emotional sharing and physical fulfillment in our relationship - no "I love you", no hugging, no kissing, no holding hands, no touching, and certainly no sex - nothing beyond what amounts to being housemates.
She has consistently rejected it all for 19 very long and lonely years.

My wife refused to talk about why she decided to do this for over 11 years. We have had several conversations about this situation since then, and each time she gives me a different set of reasons - none of which have anything to do with our relationship since she decided to change the conditions of our marriage.

I can honestly say that I've always tried to treat her with respect and that at no time have I ever abused her, either physically, verbally, or emotionally - but I can tell you that loving my wife and maintaining my fidelity to her for all of these years has definitely not been an emotionally rewarding or sexually fulfilling experience.

...and yes - divorce has been at the forefront of my mind for some time...and I have told her so because she has completely defied giving me any other options for reasons that she still refuses to reveal. She simply seems to believe that she has no obligation to provide any form of emotional or physical fulfillment to me as her husband, and that I have no right to ask or expect her to do so.

No my friend - getting married and staying faithful to your spouse doesn't guarantee you anything.

Angeline said...

thank you for posting this... i myself have had premarital sex for the first time and have been worrying myself sick over this. it was really encouraging, where you mentioned the part of the adulteress in front of jesus and he did not condemn her. thank you for this. i was thinking about just keeping this [sex/mistake] quiet, but i really think i will talk to my closest friends about this.

ryan nichole said...

in respose to people with belifes such as the anonymous writer who wrote: "i think you are so wrong, i was going to call you stupid..."

first of all i am so sorry for you arrow minded beliefs and i am also sorry if i offened you cause i too am a christian and honestly love people and respect their opinon

but i hate to break it to you:
have you ever lied?
taken the lords name in vain?
not honored your father or mother?

no i have not read the entire bible but i do know that all sin is equal in the lords eyes. therefore if you have done any of these small sins you are just as guilty as someone who has had premarital sex. So be careful before you judge.

Also i think it is people like you who cause people to have premarital sex. No one wants a person to throw "ABSTINANCE" in their face. Christians should take a loving,caring, and forgiving approach to this subject to lead people closer to God...No one wants to feel like they are being told what to do..especially if it is out of fear

Also most people do not want to attend churches anymore because they don't want more rules to live by. People just arent being taught that christianity is not a book full of rules rather a relationship with God. And people will never want to except rules such as premarital sex if they are being taught to fear them. churches need to stop being so UPTIGHT. Poeple need to fall in love with the lord again.. and narrow minded, uptight, consevative christian people often times hinder the lords work. Learn to love even if mistakes such as premarital sex are happens..and God knows way before we do if we are going to fall into apparently he does it for a reason..

Anonymous said...

I am a teenager who has engaged in premarital sex. I am not ashamed of my choice. I also am not STD ridden, pregnant or ruined in any way. I attend an all-girls catholic school and have over the years found my self increasingly frustrated by their way of portraying sex. It is presented to us as a sin and uncontrollable danger.

I have been very well educated about the responsibilities and consequences of being sexually active. But the girls at my school who haven't swallow the propaganda in disgusting way. And even if I have always been kind to them, and they know that I get good grades and am a trustworthy girl, the opinions they get from that propaganda slant the way they look at me.

That's why I really liked your point that Jesus wasn't condemning people like me, but the people who were judging them.

I don't believe in God, that's not to say that I think anyone who does believe in God is wrong; I have complete respect for anyone is spiritually connected in that way (sometimes I'm jealous).
I, personally, also don't believe in abstinence, but I think anyone who makes that promise for themselves should be supported in that decision, but an the same note I would like to be supported in my own decision.

I am sick and tired of feeling like I have done something wrong when I haven't. I have never once regretted my choice. I love my boyfriend, and I love that we are comfortable and mature enough with eachother to have sex together. We made a decision, we thought about it and talked about it, we were very responsible about it and we recognize the consequences.

Some of the comments on this note were very hurtful and biased.

I respect everyone and their sexual decisions, I just wish that respect was returned.

Anonymous said...

As someone who considers herself a liberal Christian, premarital sex is one of those things I still hold in high regard. I waited until I was married to have sex, at 24 years old. As Christians, we ARE called to live our lives at a higher standard. I won't go around blasting people who are not Christian for having premarital sex because I cannot in fairness hold them to the same standards. However, I come across many non-Christians who believe in God and have different faiths who do a much better job of holding traditional values.

I once read a book called "How to be a Moderate Christian Without Losing your Faith." It's actually written by a pastor who lives locally and there is an entire chapter devoted to the issue of premarital sex. He argues that waiting until marriage for sex is a higher standard for us to hold ourselves to, and is a good standard to hold ourselves to. So while I voted for Obama, want to keep abortion legal, want gays to be treated with respect and have rights, and see nothing wrong with stay-at-home dads, I also believe that we as Christians have the obligation to wait until marriage for sex for various reasons, and also as an example of demonstrating our restraint of the flesh.

But in all of this, where are the parents? Why are we depending on the government to enact sex education and allowing our churches to tell children that sex is "evil and dirty", when their parents should be the ones responsible for this kind of education? It's time for parents to step up to the plate and explain to their kids that waiting until marriage is an honorable Christian standard and depending on how you choose to interpret the Bible, a commandment as well. At the same time, parents should let their children know once they get older that if they don't wait until marriage, condoms are important along with making sure you have a monogamous partner. It's true that not all children will grow up to be adult virgins, but that is no excuse for not teaching them.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Jesus spent more time condemning those who condemned prostitutes, but where do you see the church in that picture? We are the religious people of our day. We need to strive for purity and holiness in our own communities; we need to practice the faith that we profess. I don't think we can use that an excuse to allow sex outside marriage become the norm in our churches.

Debbie said...

I'm quite fed up with all the comments and arguments here. Why is there only ONE bible but with so many different denominations eg. Lutherans, Presbyterians, Anglicans, Methodists; and why is there so many of christians disagree/disapprove/whatever terms you want to put in, in premarital sex. Both genuinely loving each other and make love to each other as to love better, but not for personal lust should not be going beyond Christ's moral.

I know there is a testimonial which one couple hold sex until they got married but after the first child the wife abstain from sex by giving no reason to her husband; another chrsitian couple which divorced after they married. So please tell me which is more precious? Hold sex until married yet both doesn't understand the true meaning of love and end up divorce, or both serious in love and to love each other better by making love with each other?

There is one brother saying that he feels guilty when he is having sex with his wife as he is thinking of the past sexual experiences with his sexual partners prior to his wife. The reason you feel guilty is because you haven't been loyal to yourselves and to God as your previous relationships were just for sexual needs and you haven't been serious with them, no?

Well, I should stop here. Everyone needs to be accepted, be loved and cared; You love Christ, doing what pleases Christ, but above all, it's not rules that bind your heart nearer to God, it's your genuine motive and sincere love to Christ.

Thanks for all.

Anonymous said...

I know this is an old post and I need to get to bed so I can't explore this blog tonight but I just had to share my thoughts.

I was raised in a strict Christian home. While I agree that the ideal is no sex before marriage, I don't agree with how sex is presented as a dirty/bad thing before marriage and then after marriage it's A-Okay.

Quite frankly it was confusing. I waited until I was married and the same teachers and leaders of my church who condemned sexuality before marriage were cheering us on telling us to enjoy our sexual lives together after we got married. Because of this sex has always made me feel partly ashamed. It's created difficulties in my marriage and doubts in my own mind about what God wants.

I agree with the author of the post. The Christian denominations need to deal more realistically and frankly with the needs of young people. Sexuality is not a bad thing. The hormones and feelings we have are natural and as I believe that God created us I can only accept that he obviously made us to enjoy sex. So the message the church should be sending is that sex is not bad. But is most ideal when you can be in a committed relationship where both parties love and respect one another, ideally marriage.

All of us ere, and to condemn those around us, whether of the same religion or not because they have made a mistake in our eyes is really the most un-Christian thing you can do. It's not for me to judge my brother or sister.

I will say that in the past few years my church had put out more educational materials directed at teens concerning sex. I believe any talk about contraception should come directly from the parent. I hope to have the kind of relationship someday where my daughter can see me as someone she can ask questions of without being punished and that I can have enough faith in her to answer her honestly and give her the tools she needs to make a good decision. If that involves letting her know about condoms and other contraceptive devices, so be it. I'm not going to leave her uniformed, or worse...informed by popular culture.

I feel for the man that has been in a sexless marriage. While mine is not sexless, I often feel used or sullied after sex with my husband. Maybe your wife feels the same. Quite honestly it may have nothing to do with how you treat her, it could be something she has had ingrained in her for a very long time.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm 23 and and in my greatest shame I lost my virginity to a prostitute. I have always just been a very lustful person. I try my best to keep it in check, but it is the first thing on my heart. The good thing to remember is that if we are truly sorry God forgives us our sin. I am truly sorry for that. I am not a wise man, but I hope that one day I may show the wisdom necessary to please God or whatever force is out there. Only with courage can one set their life right, and I pray for that every day.

Brooke DeCesare said...

HI. I'm 18 and still a Virgin, with a capital V. My junior year of high school someone got a hold of a topless picture of my bestfriend and i and spread it around school. You might know this as sexting, but unintentional. It was pure humiliation, i dyed my hair from blonde to brown, and i suffered internal embarrassment. i knew that a hedonistic life was not for me, and i was truly sorry for the consequence of my action, even though i find no flaw in the naked human anatomy. I decided i NEVER wanted to have sex in high school with any of those assholes, they've already seen enough, and my body was for someone who could maturely appreciate it. So even though the picture was shameful, i learned a lesson, and came on top for myself. I want to wait until marriage bc i believe it brings intense lust, desire, deep affection, intimacy, and devotion for your spouse & i want ALL OF THAT!! The only problem is that i really want to have sex, but im terrified. I dont want to live in fear, so i want to get it over with..but equally, i dont want to live in regret. Few people have made sarcastic rude comments about me being a virgin, its annoying bc i dont talk about them whoring around with drunken stranger. Also, just recently i was talking about sex with a boy from France and he said girls who are 18-19 who haven't had sex have something wrong with their brain and they are crazy. This made me sad boys/men/people believe this. This whole waiting thing is making me so mentally conflicted. i pray to God, please help my hormones to CALM DOWN and not give into men with words. -B

Anonymous said...

Ever notice how those that squeal "abstinance till marriage" usually got married under 25? Scary stories about STDs and teen pregnancy may work in the youth group but what happens when you are over 30 and the biological clock is ticking away?

To "Burn with passion" and have no legitimate outlet results in "drowning in depression" or similar mental problems in my opinion. I have no solutions. No "God is in control, focus on Him" type answers. I just take each day at a time, going slowly more peculiar and depressed with each passing day. Each prayer seems more futile than the last.


Drew said...

Yo, my name's Drew and i'm 18 and i have something to say. I think that sex is something soooooo special that i believe it should only be spent with one person; forever. We seem to make sex such a trivial thing that focuses on a "feel good now, don't care later" view of sex and i think that sucks. Being a christian (i'm not going to break out the theology here, don't worry), i think that yes, more and more Christian teens are having sex. But just because one is doing it, does that make it right? Just because these Christian teens aren't being talked to about the beauty of sex and virginity, does that mean we should just say "screw it, just go ahead and screw?" No, absolutely not. They need to know how much sex effects them and how it effects their future.

Drew said...

Lemme just leave one more comment: as for #3, I'm doing all i can in my church in town. i'm using facts (unbiased) to teach the teens in my church why to wait.

jhman07 said...

This is where the apostle Paul should be recognized because he spoke for the gentiles (who we are). Jesus taught to love thy neighbor as yourself and love god with all your heart..that is the greatest command of all!! Yes sex before marriage is horrible, but as soon as we judge we quickly break that command. Even if we don't say it out loud god knows our thoughts and that will still be a break in his commandment. Now being a Christian is more than just about following rules. That's what the jews did in the old testament and they all failed. Which is why jesus came to our rescue. If we "truly" love god we would be sincere and sincerely love him and others. God knows that we all sin so the fact that he sent his son is his ultimate display of love. And all he asks us is to follow him. He doesn't ask to be perfect, nor does he ask to do this and that. But he simply asks us to repent for sins and follow him, everything else would be taken care of. Doesn't god know all things?? BUT it is our responsibility as christians to better our selves, and loving god and ourselves and others like jesus commanded will do that perfectly! If you are a young christian and have had sex before marriage then understand god wants you to simply do better! You may struggle, but nothing is impossible with god. And if you are a christian who is saving for marriage then god bless you and may he keep you!! BUT remember that you are still sexually immoral. How do I know? Because I'm pretty sure you've still had sexual THOUGHTS haven't you? That equals as sin just like everybody else! No man is the apostle paul said we as christians must fight and learn self control to please our lord. We will sometimes win and sometimes lose, but nothing is impossible with god! Read psalms 51, its about the heart not just actions.

Anonymous said...

Yes, no sex before marriage is unrealistic, not because people lack self-control, but because not everyone has access to marriage. For example, a lot of folks can't get married because it's too expensive to marry and/or support a spouse/children. Gays and lesbians don't have the legal right to marry yet. And people with disabilities are often overlooked as marriage material.

leah.pickens said...

Found this blog after typing "christian premarital sex" into Google.

I wrote a book earlier, but when I tried to post it, I lost it. I will make it a short story.

Me- 19, female, Christian. I want to be a missionary. I struggle with organized religion, porn, and cutting.

Boyfriend- 20, male, Christian. Wants to be a pastor. I am his first girlfriend and everything else.

For more than two years we have been struggling not to have sex. We lost that battle a week ago. We were both virgins.

I cut myself, I got mad, we kept doing it, and I finally got some good advice.

I cut myself because I hate myself. I ruined him and hurt him, I lost my title of virgin, and I am no longer confident as a mentor.

I got mad because the people I trust never talked to me. I have no one to turn to.

We still have sex because we see frustration anywhere we go. We are going to get married when the time is right (I don't need you to decide that for us).

I told some one and got what I needed. A pat on the hand, and told it was alright. She told me her story and it helped. She said your wedding night is still special no matter what.

I hate fads. I am smart (not about English, so forgive me please)and an out cast. I am shy, opinionated, awkward, and have low esteem. I also love God and people. I will do great things for God, and something as GOOD as sex is not going to stop me!

Elizabeth said...

This comment is directed at Brooke:

The fact that your still a virgin is something to be admired not mocked! I am 24 and have dated many men who have told me numerous stories: premarital sex isn't so bad; sex is a very important part of any relationship and no relationship can last up to marriage without it;that promiscuity is wrong whereas sex that takes place in a loving relationship is good. These are all lies and I am now glad to say that I didn't give in to many of these guys (even and it was very very very difficult at times to resist the temptation). PLEASE PLEASE do not allow such comments to sway you from the right path! There are dedicated Christian men (I know quite a few, in fact) who will appreciate the fact that your a virgin....just imagine being able to tell your husband one day that he is your first and only sexual partner - nothing is more amazing than that!

Many young women feel that if they don't have sex by a certain age, others will think that they are unattractive or undesirable - this is absolute nonsense......I have heard this way too often. I know many beautiful girls who are still virgins - it's a choice!!

At the opposite end of the spectrum, I see that many Christians believe that sex should be done in a certain way and that certain sexual practices are evil (even within a marriage). I have a friend who claims that she attempts to have as little sex as possible - only when it is absolutely necessary... and will not bother to wear lingerie, as she believes this is sinful....

Likewise, I was brought up in a very conservative family where sex was regarded as something to be ashamed of, something that no-one talks about, and something that you do on your wedding night to get it over and done with.

This is very sad, as this is not at all what God intended for us! God wants us to enjoy sex with our Marital partners....God intended for sex to be beautiful, breathtaking, an intimate union of two souls. At a youth camp that I attended, a pastor likened sex to a diamond - beautiful and precious when it is handled carefully and allowed to shine beautifully in a Christian marriage BUT harmful if greedily groped (i.e. cutting yourself with the sharp edges of a diamond).

Thus I believe that sex is too precious, intimate and beautiful to be wasted on just should be shared with the person you have vowed to love forever. So wait for that man - he will come and when he does you will be able to say that you can share the most intimate and beautiful union of all with him and with him only!

jacarra said...

I am a born again christian. Ofcourse,I believe premarital sex is wrong. Its hard for me to deal with this truth for I have been with this guy who has everything i ever wanted expect, his values especially morality values differ from mine. We've dated for 3 years and were sexually active. Don't rebuke me now! I know its wrong but those first cruch made me just do it without thinking. Now, that I've looked back, I've realized that its wrong. Nothing can justify it being right. As much as we've been together for 2 plus years, I don't believe we earn the right to have sex. unfortunately he believes we do have this right. I am confused what to do. We both are ready for marriage expect I am not allowed to marry till am done with college, which will be two years from now. I am not sure what to do or what suggestions to tell him on how to abstain. i don't have a problem abstaining for I know I can ask God for help but he doesn't have God as his Lord. I hate to say it will be impossible for us to stay together, and abstain till marriage, unless he asks God to help him to overcome this for i know I can't help him. Its a spiritual war far which only the holyspirit can break this yoke. Please advice

countryBoy said...

ok so lets all face it, no matter what anyone says or does there will be premarital sex, and life will go on. the church tells us that condoms are wrong and shouldn't be used, BUT in the world we live in today they are necessary. Imagine all the pregnancies and stds that would be added to the global population if we didn't have these. And say you do stay faithful to your boy/girlfriend and get married then have sex, divorce rates are over half and those people are bound to get married again and have sex, so is this any better than 2 young adults having sex before getting married and it not working out? The church needs to modernize a bit and help guide those who have had premarital sex to stay together and bring down divorce rates. Don't just condemn them all. It does not make anyone a bad person.

Anonymous said...

Hi guys. From what i am getting is that some of you believe as a Christian its okay to have sex and some of you disagree. Here's the deal, if you're a Christian not a church goer ask yourself, 'what does the bible tells me about having premarital sex?' Forget what the church, friends, bf, gf or whoever say and and ask yourself what does the bible say? What does God expect of me? You wanna find out, then search the scriptures and you'll find at least 20 text condemning sexual immorality. In addition the benefits of waiting far outweighs present gratification. Trust me.

Carol said...

Thanks for this post. I wish all Christians were like this, and I know there are some, but I also think there are many who would condemn a person, especially females who has had premarital sex, such as myself. I've lived with this secret for 7 years, and though I have tried to stop and abstain from sex, I had always found it too difficult to resist. I have also asked God to provide me a Christian guy to be with and marry... at least then it would no longer be a 'sin'. But never met such a guy and now having a secret relationship with a non-Christian guy whom I am quite happy with. I don't tell my church friends because I don't want to be condemned (especially since I serve in 2 ministries!), or try to make me accountable and constantly check on whether I have changed for the better, because I have really tried and I have really failed and I don't want to feel ashamed about it any more than I already have for the past 7 years. Now I've just accepted that this is me, and perhaps I am just too weak and if God is angry with me, then I'll just let Him deal with me in His own way. I don't need my friends or family to know coz' that just makes more of a headache.

Have a blessed day.

dani said...

My boyfriend and i had a fight about this. He said if we dont stop having sex then we are both going to hell. Honestly speaking people are going to have sex, because not all people are christians. Among other reasons.And to say that every person who has premarital sex is going to hell is kind of ridiculous. I say this because I respectfully disagree with that. I consider myself a episcipalian I went to church all the time growing up with my mom. They never talked about sex much in church that I remember. But they were very open minded people. I admit I never read the entire bible cover to cover. But I don't think god damns you for sexual acts. Where im trying to get with this is that not every christian is the same. People take certain parts of the bible that matter most to them and put it to their own life circumstances and what's important to them as a person and use that to better and form the lives and viewpoints. + hell must be getting pretty over crowded these days if just that one thing sent u to hell.

Anonymous said...

Your BF's insistence on premarital sex, and you posting how he's not a believer, or not on the same level spiritually as you, that could be a sign he may not be the right one.
There's time to call your romance off.
There's nothing wrong with ending it now when it would be much less painful than later...

Sex among Christians is very common.
Like you, I felt a lot of guilt and think it held me back.
Didn't have a lot of sex in college or in my 20s, but many lustful thoughts.

Lived like a semi-virgin for most of my 20s, only having 2 separate X @25-26, so no one could call me sexually irresponsible.

Religious traditions espouse chastity before marriage. Unfortunately, humans being what they are, don't always follow such teachings to the letter.

When I was in my early 20s in college and a new Christian, I wanted to date and marry a
"...godly, Christian virgin woman...."
Of course, I gave-up that "requirement" (it was more of a preference) as I got older and now realize a woman can be the first two without being the third.

Plus, many women, like the one I married and some I dated, though they weren't virgins, had only one partner, like a former fiance she had sex with after engagement (in my wife's case).
Or, she thought the guy loved her so gave it up to later learn he was a jerk.

My "preference" was also invalid as I wasn't a virgin.
Lost mine in HS @17-18 to a girl I dated but likely didn't love. We both felt a lot of guilt (she was Catholic) and is a big regret of mine, how I wasn't nearly the man I should have been to her.

30+ years later, I still have regrets about that.
Recently sent that woman a private message on facebook (we're not FB friends), apologizing for my actions.
Only received this response:
"Please don't contact me...."

Reading her FB page, saw she's big into Catholicism, so figured forgiveness would be okay. Once again, put my foot in my mouth...

Many who consider sex outside of marriage wrong (in their heart) still fall to it bec. sexual desire is a strong drive.
So I can't throw rocks at anyone for this all-too-human experience.

Guilt is fine but you're right to realize God forgives.
Don't let the guilt overtake you. You made a mistake but aren't living promiscuously, having sex with every guy you date, so try to move on.
Wish I could move on from the HS experience...

groupspostings said...


"....I also think there are many who would condemn a person, especially females who has had premarital sex, such as myself...."

Yes, many would, but many wouldn't.
We're all human.
Having sex outside of marriage doesn't make you less "Christian."

"....I've lived with this secret for 7 years, and though I have tried to stop and abstain from sex, I had always found it too difficult to resist...."

Understand that's very hard.
May I suggest self-stimulation or masturbation?
That's what many of us Christian men did.
We of course have sexual thoughts but don't want to express them in the wrong way, i.e. outside of marriage.

"...I have also asked God to provide me a Christian guy to be with and marry... at least then it would no longer be a 'sin'. But never met such a guy and now having a secret relationship with a non-Christian guy whom I am quite happy with. I don't tell my church friends because I don't want to be condemned (especially since I serve in 2 ministries!)...."

Understand completely and might have done the same when I was single and frustrated in my late 20s, as I couldn't find decent Christian women either.

If this man isn't a Christian, can I advise you to seriously consider your future with him?
Why are you keeping it a secret?

If you break it off with him, you're likely to find other Christian men.
Please try harder to "be available" to Christian men and try to meet them in the right places.

If you're seen dating another, no Christian man will want to ask you out.

You don't have to live a secret sexual life like this.

Hannah said...

I am a a student in College writing a persuasive essay on premarital sex. After reading your blog I just want to tell you that I think what you have to say is very true! I think that todays church is moving in a different direction, into a more "Jesus with skin on" type church. People in general need the encouragement that we are NOT all perfect, only human and that it is okay to fall down once in a while and mess up.. I think people forget that-- WE are the church, it's not a building!
We have the power to change the atmosphere. And it starts with young and old people alike standing up and saying enough is enough, I am going to be real and honest. I am saved by grace, serving a God who never fails me, and never gives up on me
just loves me, for me, sins and all.

Cherry said...

One of the biggest sin is the Pre-marital sex. How can people right like this article?Yes we have freedom of whatever we do but we need to think also what will happen if we we're going to such thing. For me it's really perfect when one get married is still a virgin it is a big gift to a husband and he can surely trust to the woman he get married. And a husband really appreciate it. I do believe if we live our life in pure we can really feel the real happiness that we want to achieve. Being a virgin before marriage is not a big shame but it is your greatest gift that you can give to your husband. So please people use your freedom in a good way......

Anonymous said...

We need to look to the bible for answers to questions like pre-martial sex. I would like to draw everyone's attention to 1 Corinthians 6:9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolater, nor adulterers, (it goes on to name greedy, slanderers, swindlers will inherit the kingdom) this does not just include the sexually immoral according to this none of us can go to heaven. And this my folks, is why we need a savior. And verse 11 goes on to explain this. But just because God forgives every sin doesn't mean we have the green flag to sin all we want. I would not respect any church that said "pre-martial sex is okay, and not a sin". I agreed with Cheery that waiting for marriage is a beautiful thing. But I also think we should not judge anyone who has sex before marriage, bc we all sin and fall short of the glory of God.

Anonymous said...

Hey all! I thoroughly enjoyed the post. I am 21 years old, a virgin, and in my last year of college. Lately, I've been having very sexual thoughts and have been wanting to engage in sexual activity.

But at the same time, God is the only thing that's holding me back from giving it up.
It almost seems difficult in this day in age, because of all the pressure to have sex. Most men seemingly don't want a virgin (especially at my age), and this is CHRISTIAN men too, because I'm not "experienced".

And then the Christian men I do meet seem like...crazy bible thumpers.
And I'm worried that if I meet a guy I really like, he'll no longer want to stay with me, because I KNOW I will end up refusing him sex.

Not only that, I'd almost feel...bad...if I didn't want to get married for 2 or 3 years, because I'm getting additional schooling out the way.

It just seemed like it was easier back in Jesus' time, because young women were married very early then, and most women then didn't want to establish careers and explore the world before getting hitched.

Just pray for me! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

If we look to what Paul had to say about such things as a hint of what Jesus would have said. Paul asked obedient Christians to "separate" themselves from sexually immoral people, that they weren't to even eat with them. Notice though Paul also doesn't doesn't condemn a person for making a sexual mistake or condemn any non-christians, but only those claiming to be something their not AND he allowed for repentance. I also speak this as someone who isn't blameless of sexual sin, so it's all said with tongue in cheek.

Anonymous said...

Someone above mentioned middle aged divorced singles. I agree most of these discussions center on young never marrieds. Being a divorced woman in my 40's, I find it way more difficult then when I was a virgin. First, I didn't know what I was missing and second, there was a bit of a fear factor. My husband was the only man I had ever been with sexually. And saving yourself is no guarantee of a lifetime of fidelity, as he has ditched his family and made a new life. At this stage, all the men I will likely date are divorced and frankly, we are all used to having fairly regular sex or having had it in the past. Also I am very disillusioned with marriage. Are my only options either celibacy or a legal contract between myself, another person and the state to get my sexual needs met? How is submitting to a state institution honoring God anyway as it does nothing to being about a heart committment; as the current divorce rate proves. And why would I put my financial security at stake, which affects my children, to enter into a legally binding contract in order to meet my sexual needs? I see nothing wrong with a committed and loving relationship before God that does not include the state, in which two middle aged people can safely enter into without forfeiting what they have built beforehand financially. Sexuality is important to human physical and psychological health. All manner of dysfunctions can occur when this is stifled: from impotency to unhealthy outlets (such as we see with pedophile priests). Sorry but sex just doesn't seem to be on the booga booga pedestal it once was. And honestly, what difference does it make as many apologetic sites will state that a divorced person can never have sex again without it being considered adultery, even if they remarry, so with that in mind I may as well enjoy myself because I am certainly not going to live celibately because my husband threw away 20 years, a family and my gift of virginity to him.

Anonymous said...

Great article. But I think one reason why Christians are engaging in pre martial sex is look around the church it is full of singles esp. women unmarried and still praying for a man even into their 50's. The older one gets the more difficult to tell them to wait till marriage! Most of my christian friends backslid slept around (i am not saying what they did was right) got married had children and then back to church. And that is the honest truth!! When people start seeing strong christian happy marriages done the biblical way all this will be reduced . This is a quote from captian sensible : Sensible writes: Since the publication of Debbie Maken's "Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the gift of singleness", the contemporary church's attitude towards singleness and marriage has indeed been rethought.
Errors that have quietly slipped in over the past 30 years have been revealed for what they are, and single men and women are rebelling against the false teaching about there being a "gift of singleness" and that singles should just "wait on the Lord" and are instead...getting serious about getting married.
Just two examples can be found here on Debbie's blog, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Darkness disappears as soon as light is shed on it, so I have faith that this false teaching will soon be eradicated completely.
Then single Christian men and women will be the joyful brides and bridegrooms that are synonymous with happiness, fruitfulness and blessing throughout the Bible.