How I Learned To Stop Laughing And Hate Dane Cook

Dane Cook burst onto the comedy scene a few years ago with "Harmful If Swallowed," what I thought was a rather hilarious album that riffed on observational humor and pop culture. I really enjoyed this album and it represents my fondest memories of the man. Here's a typical clip:

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Cook's material felt fresh and his delivery was audacious. A few years later, he followed it up with the mega double-album, "Retaliation," a 2-disc behemoth that had 2 full albums of material, plus a bonus DVD. This was a weaker effort, but still worth a listen. However, Cook's "observations" started to get more and more obscure, and he began to revel more in his own delivery, rather than rely on his content. This was, in my opinion, the beginning of the end for Dane Cook. Here's a clip:

(Click here for the clip)

"Retaliation" became one of the best-selling comedy albums of all time and people took notice.
HBO signed him on for a documentary series called "Tourgasm," what was supposed to be a humorous examination of the lives of comics. Instead, it was a self-indulgent mess and featured much less of Cook than his other, less funny cohorts. Cook didn't realize that people enjoy watching comics when they're funny, not when they're doing taxes or arguing over petty issues:

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This was right about the time when allegations of Cook stealing material started to surface. Specfically, Cook appeared to have pilfered material, wholesale and without attribution, from the great comedian Louis CK. This damning video shows lays out some evidence:


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Just awful. Dane Cook, once ecstatic and hilarious, was now reduced to the same category as the talentless Carlos Mencia. In response to these allegations, Louis CK reportedly wrote the following on an internet message board:

I downloaded the bit off itunes. It's called "Struck by a Vehicle" It's very similar, part of it is, to my "guy on a bike" bit which is on my cd and I've been doing for about 15 years. he also has a bit on this cd called "Itchy Asshole" and I have a bit on my first CD called "Itchy Asshole" I downloaded the bit off itunes. It's called "Struck by a Vehicle" It's very similar, part of it is, to my "guy on a bike" bit which is on my cd and I've been doing for about 15 years. he also has a bit on this cd called "Itchy Asshole" and I have a bit on my first CD called "Itchy Asshole" I'm not going to court over a bit called "itchy asshole"

I don't know if he stole the vehicle bit from me but I do know that I've done mine on several tv shows and that i've done it at the laugh factory with him in the room. Oh well. Whatever.

Last night I complained that he often rudely bumps me when he comes in the Laugh Factory. I wouldn't be the first one to complain. he never asks when bumping and almost always runs way over his time. He generally shows zero courtesy or respect to other comedians on the same show as him. Oh well. Whatever.

And now...now come the movies. First there was the deplorable "Employee of the Month," and though every guy would love to star in a film with Jessica Simpson, starring in this cinematic abortion might not have been the best way to break out onto the movie scene. Despite this, Cook got other film deals, and is now currently in theaters with "Good Luck Chuck," starring aside the extremely attractive Jessica Alba.


But the worst thing of all? The most unforgivable thing? The thing that sent me over the edge of the abyss, from whose depths I shall never return? Simple. Steve Carrell's new film:


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In this movie, Cook's GIRLFRIEND is Juliette Binoche. Juliette Binoche. This is a woman of refinement, a sophisticated, unattainable woman.

The French Meryl Streep. The woman who ripped out your heart in Kryzstof Kieslowswki's "Bleu." The woman who you could never in a million years dream of being with because her tastes are so much more refined than yours. And now she's Dane Cook's girlfriend in a Steve Carrell vehicle? As one film critic put it:

She is immune from my hate. If I found out Juliette Binoche firebombed an orphanage, I'd figure she had her reasons. But firebombing an orphanage is nothing compared to this. What kind of monster casts Binoche to play Dane Cook's girlfriend? That's like ripping "Starry Night" off the wall at MOMA, slashing it to pieces, and replacing it with the DVD cover art for Encino Man. This is egregious. And this will not go unpunished.

No, it will not go unpunished. Dane Cook's career started off like any comedian dreams of. We had some good laughs together; I shared in his fandom. But now Cook has done something that's unforgivable. He has sullied his name with accusations of thievery and most importantly, he has sullied the name of Juliette Binoche merely by association with him. And if he still had original, un-purloined material that was hilarious, this might all be accepted, if not condoned. But it's not.

I hate you Dane Cook.